Reading this made my tears well up.

How ibu always fumes up whenever I tell her /parts/ of my stress, and concludes to “Do whatever makes you feel happy, don’t stress yourself. Relax when you need to. Let people understand you by telling them what you’re feeling – you need to speak up.  & don’t forget your meals.

I feel like a terrible person for still not being able to cope with much stress even after listening to what ibu says as above time and again/whenever i share with her parts and pieces of whats in my head.

If you know me well enough, you’ve probably gotten used to me complaining of having a headache. I used to have it all the time & i’ll be the most excited person when i don’t have one. I used to countdown to the days, even. The longest throbbing migraine i had lasted for 7 days 7 nights – i was still stressing myself even further by turning up at work, attending night classes and overthinking 24/7. It lasted even right before i slept and the moment i woke up. Other kind-er days, my head just resolved to floating in air, feeling very light.

But slowly i’ve learnt to prioritize. When i can’t handle crazy unexpected situations, i’ll just laugh it off. When work gets too tensed, i’ll goof around. When i relax, i blank out and force as much to not think. When i have dinner after work, i will shut off any topics and matters of work my colleagues might have come up with. I choose what i want to think. I pick the food for my soul wisely. I dedicate the time to feed certain things to my mind. & I care for it, as a part of the crucial me, and as an amanah from Allah swt.

Back to the article from the lady in the screenshots above, she passed on after writing that heartfelt letter. (Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun.. Allahummaghfirlaha warhamha..)

Not only had she left an impact on her daughter in years to come, but to us, wandering souls who obliviously torture our capabilities as weak and mere humans. We can be strong, but we need to see the red lights. For any ferrari can hit and crash if it drives straight to a dead end wall. Respect yourself enough to know when to stop, pause, and reflect. Make amendments if you need to.

Do whatever is good for you. For Him. For your parents. For the ummah.


Its ok.


Day 4.

Who would’ve known i still ache and effortlessly cry of someone whom had stopped crossing paths with mine since 4 years back.

Silly. But emotions are ageless, isn’t it? It’s crazy how if we think back of a memory from a childhood, it’ll be so difficult to capture all the details, but we still remember what we felt.

I still feel slightly numb. Im getting back up. But nights have been rather difficult. I knew I should’ve taken the sleeping pills I was prescribed. Who would’ve known.

I’ll be better. I know. Because i choose to. And He is ultimately the turner of hearts. A beautiful advice a dear friend gave me recently, “whatever it is, don’t forget Allah.” Simple. But its something so easy to slip off our minds, yes? When was the last time we did something and thought about if Allah likes it or not? (Allowing and liking are two separate things mind you)

So forgive me for the late replies, and some closed ones, sorry for being too clingy lately.

To myself, forgive me for skipping morning/afternoon/night routines. For neglecting meals and shopping unnecessarily.

To Allah, forgive me for our talks have become mundane and dry. You know how much i need You. Help me from this melancholy ya Allah. Though I know this is nothing compared to other stronger soldiers im surrounded with. Make me as strong, if not stronger.




Sometimes i forget, that His blessings come in different forms. Not just in gifts, but in taking away things that would harm us.

We’re just kids, playing with dangerous tools, not knowing how harmful it could be to us. And we think He doesnt care. Which mother doesnt suffer in silence seeing their child cry but still firm in not giving the dangerous tool back to the child? Because she knows better. And He knows best, trust Him.

So take anything you want from me ya Allah. Just dont take me away from you, i beg.


I know I told myself I wouldnt post this at least until May but I thought I really need as much duas. Like what ibu said, maybe what happened was from a result of another person’s prayer, we’ll never know.

I didn’t get into uni. I only applied for SUSS (the only Local poly to have EC tsk) and I know for sure private/overseas degree is my last resort (personal preference).

Backtrack abit. A number of things happened before the results came out. My worries menjadi2. When I applied, I was all #gojerdontscared. But few days after I submitted I started having what-ifs. I know some would say its normal but it bothers me too much. Too much to the extent its always in my head, i did istikharah on it and thats practically all I talk about and how I shaped my next moves – uni. Some of the worries include being adapted to working full time for over 3 years – which plays a huge role in my life btw. Quitting FT work means not being able to go monthly workshops/classes, termly voluntary/holiday trips, contributions/donations, savings, “open table” for family/friends. I didnt know if i will be able to risk or put on hold all of that for 4 years. Four. Long. Years. And then I got to know of my parents’ workplaces being unstable and their inconsistent payslips. All this, while waiting for result to come out.

So when the result came out – still rmmbr I was chilling with my family/cousins by the beach… when I read unsuccessful. My response:


I dont feel sad nor happy. More of like – oh okay. Maybe this is Allah’s sign, answer to my istikharah/prayers. Maybe I should appeal to sort of double confirm? Maybe, maybe not. Doakan the best for me please. May Allah bless you kind souls.

P/s my 13 year old self keeps on coming up and say i should just agree to let my aunt matchmake me to a madinah guy and get married early ok bye #childhooddreams #HAHAKIDDINGBYE

2am feels

Im such a ball of energy ranao i need to let some of this energy out tho i dont really have anything to write and id written 2 pages long in my journal but still need to write more and id read few chapters of my current read (perang2 Rasulullah) but my mind is always running i cant keep up im so excited and scared and nervous and ecstatic like a ball of overflowing emotions i think i need to use the fullstop just rightttttt now.

I dont think ive ever talked about what i did where i went to with someone but yes just now i went to fatpapas with A and we talked and talked and i think i talked too much and she listened well and all is good. We talked about friends religion opinions and insecurities and everything under the sun like how im obsessed with saving mother earth and how she is telling me i should stop being weird else how am i going to get a boyfriend i mean why would i right if i have her. (Aqilah’s joke of the day: the waiter asked how many pax, and i silently (read:desperately) said one because A is my other half geddit geddit)

She said beautiful things that help to calm down my nervous and anxious self and i love her very much. Idk im so happy I might consider staying at my workplace a lil bit longer.

Oh and im feeling more of myself now that i choose not to sleep and picking up new skills/brushing up old’s waking up early putting on masks being the ENFP that i am justtt a ballll offf energyyy and mind full of plans 🙂

Forgive yourself

Something i find exceptionally hard when the red flag is up.

When all I want to do is sujud and cry it all out but I cant meet Him.

When all I want to do is eat ice cream and drink teh peng/milo peng but will risk cramps and hate myself afterwards for not being able to resist.

When eating seems torturous because Im extremely picky and would rather starve than eat what I dont feel like eating.

When the mind is just filled with negativity thus I would refuse to engage in conversations because sounds aggreviate migraines.

When I hate being alone with my thoughts but I need a quiet place because Im a ball of wreck and bad vibes on the verge of crying 24/7 for no absolute reason.

But something happened today. I faced my demons. In the midst of art therapy session with watercolour, i drew roses. No matter how ugly the thorns may get, I choose to bloom. My head keeps on saying negative things but my body repels. I keep on writing “forgive yourself” until I truly have.

You got this, because Allah is in control. Nothing goes wrong when we redho with His plans. Good will be repayed with good. Allah loves you, and He loves that you love yourself. đź’–



The Waiting Game

Ok no im not getting hitch….yet. (the only hitch im getting is grabhitch…ok nopz)

I’m waiting to…grad!! Haha finally. Ma syaa Allah how time flies. But no it wasn’t short. It was seemingly endless but i enjoyed, i won’t say every bit, but i’ve definitely grown from the tough moments as well. Almost 3 years of juggling full time work and part time school is one of the best decision i’ve made in life, despite all the could-haves which i used to regret. But now that the puzzles are mostly patched up, im glad i embarked on it. I’m relieved i didn’t give up on it. I’m grateful Allah pushed me to finish this.

SOOO today is the first day of celebration (submitted final prac ystd). I thought i should list down the things i did and made me happy. Who knows it’ll inspire you and make you happy too!

  • Attend workshop by (watercolour to be exact. It was amazing. I cant wait to get married just so i can design my own card nyehehahhahaha kiddz)
  • The Dua Journal by (one of the best purchase i’d ever made. A bit costly but – like aqilah always say – these gems are investment guysss dunia akhirat!)
  • Illustrate/doodle which I’d learnt from IG@nzakrh illustration workshop (before this, my doodle could pass off as a k1’s i kid you not. Now it is so therapeutic – when i dont feel like writing, i’ll doodle!)
  • Qur’an tagging which i’d learnt/gotten from IG@ayeshasyahira (life changer – ’nuff said. i attended in aug’17 & still tags quran weekly biiznillah)
  • Re-read the book Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed (this time i make markings and paste a note of short para-summary on every chapter, so that i can reflect and practice what i learn)
  • House chores by..mum? (Haha kiddz i srsly need to do this often. Sbb kte bukan tggl hotel lolll #mumsfavline #ingatrumahnihotel)

I thank Allah for all these opportunities. For allowing me to constantly seek change for self-betterment. I’ve big plans for my(going to be 20?!)self, this blog, my kids, my upcoming smol-business, but let’s just take things one step at a time shall we. *cue song one step at a time by jordin sparks*

Just one thing, lillahita’ala.