Eyes are burning, but I know I gotta let this out. At least I’ll feel lighter in my head, to pour out here, my safe haven.
You know that aftermath of getting out from a crazy merry go round, the one that leaves you senseless and dizzy trying to make the things around you? Before you are forced to yet again ride along albeit unwillingly? Well yes that’s the closest i can describe on how i feel mentally most of the time at this period of my life now. At some times, it can get pretty fun being in a daze and just live in the moment. At times, i just felt too much and feel like throwing up at any point of time. Other times, i just dont want to be in the ride and to be left alone, away from the merry go round, away from being driven so quickly. Trying to regain consciousness that might have been lost in the middle of it all.
And now. I feel tired. Im happy that it was, have been, such a thrilling ride. Especially when it involves being surrounded with people that are dear to me. But there are plenty of times that i just feel suffocated, needy of air. Space. Contradictory to my said feelings. Can’t they co-exist?
Now, im trying to get a grip on myself before life drags me along again. Again until my time is up and everything is not really.. fun and games.
What did i have to look out for again? What were the warnings, signs? How can it slipped off my mind so easily when I had reminded myself time and again before I lose it all effortlessly the moment I am dragged along the current of movement.
But hey you know what. I’ll be fine. Allah is watching over me. I am imagining him telling me that I can do it, that I was created for a purpose bigger than just ‘living’, ‘existing’. That I was chosen and not just picked. That I am carefully taken care of by the best of the best guardian ever, Al-Waliy. The one who loves me so much He wouldn’t want anything to hurt me, Al-Wadud. The one who has mercy upon me whenever I drown in the pleasure of this temporary ride, Ar-Rahman.
For you, you, ya Rabbuna, are sufficient for us. You’re sufficient for us.