Welcome Back?

Purpose.
Context.
Audience.
Culture.

Tried drawing, it only brought out my agony to succumb to my level of perfection. Tried speaking, but spontaneity is really tedious and time-consuming work-in-progress.

To be involved in myself. To feel without boundaries. To sigh without complaining. To love without obsessing. To cry without being depressed. To smile without sentiments. To unwind without time wasted.

A year and a month since I last resort to writing to unwind. So many things had happened. I got married. M’s moving abroad. F’s going to study abroad. K just gave birth. I cooked dishes I’d never cooked before. Loved my own asam pedas salmon. Got terribly sick in Nov, and constantly sick the months before. Cut down on my spices/sourness and acidic food. Look forward to nap times. Not worrying much about anything, except, maybe, my health.

I must say, life hasn’t been easy as well. It got more challenging, if I may add. But my marriage was a miracle to me, at least. It opened up my eyes, how dreams come true. And how having a person who love you, despite having to go through bigger tests, would really ease the way.

Of course, tests, or blessings, bring a lot of realization to me.

I learnt that, you can’t blame that one solution you tried, nor yourself, no matter how risky you went through for it. At least you tried, and now you know, still you’ve lesser more doors to go.

I learnt that, expectations are a killer. You have got to manage that, that that’s your number one opponent in marriage. Even when you thought you don’t have (or literally have), your dreams and insights to the future will come blurting out, during the times you would have least expect it to come.

I learnt that, what you may be holding on to, be it words, things, you’re giving it the power to test you. And that you just picked the tests for yourself, so choose them wisely. Believe in your beliefs religiously. Love your beloveds actively. Trust in what matters wholeheartedly.

Lastly, I learnt that, at the end of the day, no matter what phase you’re in, no matter how old you are, no matter how many people you’re surrounded with, you only have yourself to deal with. You only have yourself to resonate with. You only have yourself to go through it all. But on top of it, you have yourself, with Him to guide. Him to trust, and to Him we ultimately belong.

May we always, always remember that.

The Roots

Imagine being able to see the physical being of your thoughts. Is it beautiful? A horrifying mess? A raging storm? Or a deserted plain?

Just like our thoughts, in most plants we aren’t able to see the roots. Hidden, or shall I say, protected. Ever-evolving, fluctuating, its growth remains unseen albeit the rate of success can be observed through its other parts – the whole plant, evergreen.

Sometimes it takes more than just basic necessities – soil, water, warmth, to grow. It needs a soil of nutrients, water free of impurities, and warmth, sufficiently – not more not less. It needs fertilizers to help it bloom vibrant flowers and bear fleshy fruits.

But sometimes, just when we thought the plant would grow evergreen, we unrealizingly attract pesticides, of some causing the downfall to our being. We unrealizingly blame them, for attacking us. Then we blame ourselves, for being too apparent. Then we blame, and you blame, and we seek, and you seek – neglecting the withering plant in its melancholic state.

The roots, if strong, it would have stayed firm amidst the raging storm. The roots, if strong, would have produced other leaves amidst those who did us wrong. The roots, if strong, would have just bloomed and bore fruits even after the plants wither, even after we thought we’d failed, even after we’ve exhausted ourselves, even after our physical being gave up on trying. The roots – our minds, our thoughts, our perseverance, determination, would cheer on us to keep on going.

Because blooming, withering and bearing are the process of a plant growing. Success is determined not from the plant, but the nurturer – you.

You groom the plant – your self. Your being. You cannot stop the pesticides from coming. You keep on blooming. You live in this world with other plants growing, blooming. You may not bear fruits all the time. The flower that blooms may not be the same as the plant beside you. The grass may look greener on the other side. And thats okay.

Thats okay. Just take care of your roots, and the roots will take care of the plant.

Ultimately, tawakkal. The sun may not always shine. The sky may not always rain. The soil, may also be scarce. But Allah is Ar-Razzaq, the Provider. And Al-Alim, the All Knowing. He provides us in ways we never thought we’d desperately need. And He is ever knowing of what we truly need. And to Him we rely.

“Behold! in the creation of the heavens and the earth; in the alternation of the night and the day; in the sailing of the ships through the ocean for the profit of mankind; in the rain which Allah Sends down from the skies, and the life which He gives therewith to an earth that is dead; in the beasts of all kinds that He scatters through the earth; in the change of the winds, and the clouds which they Trail like their slaves between the sky and the earth;- (Here) indeed are Signs for a people that are wise.” (2:164)

Incomplete

Have you ever felt that hollow,
Like when you’ve painted a picture but something is amiss?
Like when you laughed so hard but still feel empty?
Like when you did one of the best things you ever did but still feel that you’re lack something?
That hollow, guilt, emptiness, abyss
Whatever you call it, no matter what you do, it’s always there.
Is it because we’re ungrateful?
Seems like nothing is ever enough.
Are we greedy?
Unthankful of His blessings?

Or

What if this is His way of detaching us from this dunya?
Or for us not to have such arrogance in our heart, for us to be down to earth.
To be rooted.
To know that we ourselves are incomplete, even with His creation, we’re still incomplete.
His creation is never the perfect piece to our missing puzzle no matter how much they seem to almost fit.
Its Him –
Its in and with Him that we need to seek sufficiency.
“Hasbunallah wanikmal wakeel”
Sufficient for us is Allah, and He is the best guardian.
“Through the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest”
Him
The missing piece
Or at least the piece we’d always thought was missing because
He’s always here
Always near
Always waiting behind the doors we ourselves closed
With open arms, waiting for us to come back
With mercy more than what a mother has towards her child
More than our love towards our possession,
be it people or things

What more do want than someone who loves us more than we love ourselves?
More than we love anything else.
Not associated with physiques,
but purely our hearts,
our faith,
towards Him.

Daze

Eyes are burning, but I know I gotta let this out. At least I’ll feel lighter in my head, to pour out here, my safe haven.

You know that aftermath of getting out from a crazy merry go round, the one that leaves you senseless and dizzy trying to make the things around you? Before you are forced to yet again ride along albeit unwillingly? Well yes that’s the closest i can describe on how i feel mentally most of the time at this period of my life now. At some times, it can get pretty fun being in a daze and just live in the moment. At times, i just felt too much and feel like throwing up at any point of time. Other times, i just dont want to be in the ride and to be left alone, away from the merry go round, away from being driven so quickly. Trying to regain consciousness that might have been lost in the middle of it all.

And now. I feel tired. Im happy that it was, have been, such a thrilling ride. Especially when it involves being surrounded with people that are dear to me. But there are plenty of times that i just feel suffocated, needy of air. Space. Contradictory to my said feelings. Can’t they co-exist?

Now, im trying to get a grip on myself before life drags me along again. Again until my time is up and everything is not really.. fun and games.

What did i have to look out for again? What were the warnings, signs? How can it slipped off my mind so easily when I had reminded myself time and again before I lose it all effortlessly the moment I am dragged along the current of movement.

But hey you know what. I’ll be fine. Allah is watching over me. I am imagining him telling me that I can do it, that I was created for a purpose bigger than just ‘living’, ‘existing’. That I was chosen and not just picked. That I am carefully taken care of by the best of the best guardian ever, Al-Waliy. The one who loves me so much He wouldn’t want anything to hurt me, Al-Wadud. The one who has mercy upon me whenever I drown in the pleasure of this temporary ride, Ar-Rahman.

For you, you, ya Rabbuna, are sufficient for us. You’re sufficient for us.

Ramadan ’18

The main things Ramadan has helped me realized and practice:
Humility
Sincerity
Priority

Dakwah starts from closed ones and family first
Think good of others because others are humans afterall, you and i – WE, make mistakes.
No matter how big our mistakes are, Allah’s mercy is BIGGER. Note that neither one of us is accepted to Jannah because of our deeds, rather His mercy.

This beautiful month, I’d also experienced the power of dua. Nothing is impossible with a dua. Either He grants it now, later, or replace it with something better for us.

The importance of understanding ‘nothing is a coincidence’, that everything happens with His decree with a hikmah that lies behind it, and His redha, in syaa Allah will make us question less of “why me”.

Patience is granted. So you have to keep on asking from Him for patience, and other attributes you’d like to have. As humans we get angry so easily, too easily. Allah mentions that we are hasty. Impatient. Ungrateful. That’s just who we are, and the first step to change, is to accept, by realizing that we are weak. Weak, impatient, ungrateful, needy souls. We are nothing, nothing without Him. Without His help. Without His guidance. I recall an incidence when the Prophet saw had to face those who betrayed his instructions to stay on top of the hill during the battle of Uhud. How Allah commanded him to be patient. And its being given. Imagine, someone who is so patient, the Prophet, needed to be given, granted, patience from Him. You know at times we thought we needed to be angry just so people would know our limits? Allah is showing how there’s no limit when we include Him in us. How He is capable of making us so, so much more. How we think we’re being tested enough, how our patience is thin, how our stress is eating us up, here He is showing, telling, reminding us He is arRazzaq, the provider. He provides. He is watching, taking care of us. With him, we can be anything we want to be.

To conclude, i feel that this has been the best ramadhan I’ve experienced. To list down my mistakes and ibadah i did seem so wrong, so all i want to say is – choose growth over perfection. Have realistic goals. Aim far – but the next step you should take is the one infront of you. And remember you’re not alone. You don’t want to be alone in Jannah. You would want your family and friends too. So bring them along. Its okay if your own goals have to be compromised if it is best for you. Bring them out of that dark hole. Pull them out and show them the light. Reflect on surah al-Asr. We don’t live alone. We can’t.

May Allah make us and surround us among the pious, those whom He loves, those who will have the high ranks in His eyes, in Jannah. Aamiin.

P/s: I take this opportunity to wish Eid Mubarak as well! Please forgive me if I’d wronged you. May our sins be forgiven and wiped off with the passing and blessings in Ramadan. Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum. Kullu am wa antum bikhayr. Jaga hati, jaga diri, jaga iman. Semoga istiqamah 🙂

ENFP

Once, my friend asked me – why do you like to take up quizzes etc to know yourself better?

If you’ve been following my blog for a while,  you know how much of a confused person i am. I’m an ambitious dreamer whom too often leave goals hanging halfway because some other ideas got in the way or simply because i can’t do mundane tasks – i get bored easily. At times, i don’t understand myself but knowing where my personality most likely belongs to, knowing what can i do when things just go wrong, sometimes help. Hence, im just maximising the possibilities of recovering quickly when i face a dead-end. So here goes!!!

In case youre wondering whats yours tooooo take yours hereeee and share wimmeeee okbai https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Entangled thoughts

As my hands reach out to sort the pile of wires
All coiled up together, i wouldn’t want to risk a fire
And so i untangle the entangled thoughts
In hopes to calm down the pain that has been disdain
The art of thinking and thinking to no avail

Some might see it as a curse
But I’ve learnt to love it as it is
Though sometimes i feel like my head’s going to burst
With all these unanswered questions leaving me pissed

What are you thinking? – one might ask
I stopped and paused and think if they might care
Of the world but i knew they’d prefer to just bask
In this world of temporary pleasure and rely on respectful authorities, but prefer to know other’s affair

I think of the children trembling in fear,
hiding in hopes that they could just disappear.
I think of the animals dying in vain,
suffering in silence, by reckless humans whom caused the pain.
I think of the people not receiving proper education,
their rights to learn have disrespectfully been taken.
I think of the times we spent mugging to answer test questions,
leaving the room looking forward to celebrations.

But what do we learn and what have we applied?
What do we get from having all the pride?
That we scored well, but couldn’t even face the fight
Of all these happenings in the world, but we still choose to hide

Look, im tired of making my words rhyme
But i think its about time
For me to disclose whats on my mind
Instead of saying im just.. Fine.

Tatkala Remuk

Manusia mana yang tidak dilanda musibah
Bak ombak yang tidak berhenti meruntuhi istana pasir yang telah dibina

Ibarat harapan yang hancur bak dipanah
Begitu jua kehidupan di dunia yang fana

Sementara.
Segala musibah, setiap derita,
Semuanya adalah buat seketika

Janganlah bersedih berpanjangan
Janganlah berfikir berterusan
Ingatlah bahawa setiap ujian
Takkan pernah berlarutan

Sabarlah wahai hamba Allah
Sesungguhnya dia bersama di setiap langkah
Jangan pernah kita menduga
Kebesaran Sang Pencipta.

Help

Stop creating problems in your head, love.
If it’s there, treat it.
If it’s there, but you can’t seem to see it, find it.
Express yourself at your best.
Drawing, colouring, writing, running, sports,  painting – anything that can release the pain in you.
Release, the pain in you.
Relax, destress, soak up all the good.
Keep it in a jar – not just as moments to remember.
Use them as antidote to keep you going when all else fails. Or just because.

I know too many people who are hurting,  suffering, many in silence. If you are, please know that “these moutains you’re carrying,  you’re only supposed to climb. (cr: Najwa Zebian)”

I pray He’s always guiding & protecting us, showering us with His love & mercy, making & surrounding us with all the kind, beautiful souls, of whom He loves.

I’m here if you need me.

Tailor made

Yknow when you clean up your wardrobe.. you see something you used to love wearing but you’re like

1. Not anymore, my taste has changed. Still keeping it cause it’s sentimental.. no?

2. Stained/torn – but it was my favourite!

3. Ooo I had a bad memory with this one. Though before that it used to be my go-to..

The list could go on, but you know what I mean. Answering back to my remarks above,

1. Glad you realised your taste has changed. Be thankful now that you know what you want, so focus on that. Just “keeping” them clothes aren’t just hoarding, but also contradicting and confusing. Move forward by first letting go of the things that no longer serve you well.

2. Sis, something bad happened for a reason. Accept the fact it’s like a smack-in-yo-face that the thing between you and the shirt isn’t working out. Stop finding the clothes’ material faults/your fault for not caring it properly. It had happened. Move on.

3. Yea, you had a connection with this particular dress. NOT ANYMORE. Don’t torture yourself unnecessarily by reminding yourself of the pain once in a while when you see it lying in your closet. Don’t. Get rid of it.

Funny how it’s also relatable if you replace those clothes… with people who once played a significant role in your life.

I can’t comfort you with statements that you’ll forget about it as time passes by. I mean, pictures and memories will surely remind you of that favourite piece of clothing. That sadness will haunt you back. But you’ll get used to it. You’ll find a better dress. A better garment that will complement you.

If you’ve thrown the clothes away and still thinking about it, know that your new garment is still being tailored to perfectly suit you. Meanwhile, focus on having a nice bod.

Ok where is this going hahaha you get what i mean TEEHEE. 🙋