Daze

Eyes are burning, but I know I gotta let this out. At least I’ll feel lighter in my head, to pour out here, my safe haven.

You know that aftermath of getting out from a crazy merry go round, the one that leaves you senseless and dizzy trying to make the things around you? Before you are forced to yet again ride along albeit unwillingly? Well yes that’s the closest i can describe on how i feel mentally most of the time at this period of my life now. At some times, it can get pretty fun being in a daze and just live in the moment. At times, i just felt too much and feel like throwing up at any point of time. Other times, i just dont want to be in the ride and to be left alone, away from the merry go round, away from being driven so quickly. Trying to regain consciousness that might have been lost in the middle of it all.

And now. I feel tired. Im happy that it was, have been, such a thrilling ride. Especially when it involves being surrounded with people that are dear to me. But there are plenty of times that i just feel suffocated, needy of air. Space. Contradictory to my said feelings. Can’t they co-exist?

Now, im trying to get a grip on myself before life drags me along again. Again until my time is up and everything is not really.. fun and games.

What did i have to look out for again? What were the warnings, signs? How can it slipped off my mind so easily when I had reminded myself time and again before I lose it all effortlessly the moment I am dragged along the current of movement.

But hey you know what. I’ll be fine. Allah is watching over me. I am imagining him telling me that I can do it, that I was created for a purpose bigger than just ‘living’, ‘existing’. That I was chosen and not just picked. That I am carefully taken care of by the best of the best guardian ever, Al-Waliy. The one who loves me so much He wouldn’t want anything to hurt me, Al-Wadud. The one who has mercy upon me whenever I drown in the pleasure of this temporary ride, Ar-Rahman.

For you, you, ya Rabbuna, are sufficient for us. You’re sufficient for us.

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Ramadan ’18

The main things Ramadan has helped me realized and practice:
Humility
Sincerity
Priority

Dakwah starts from closed ones and family first
Think good of others because others are humans afterall, you and i – WE, make mistakes.
No matter how big our mistakes are, Allah’s mercy is BIGGER. Note that neither one of us is accepted to Jannah because of our deeds, rather His mercy.

This beautiful month, I’d also experienced the power of dua. Nothing is impossible with a dua. Either He grants it now, later, or replace it with something better for us.

The importance of understanding ‘nothing is a coincidence’, that everything happens with His decree with a hikmah that lies behind it, and His redha, in syaa Allah will make us question less of “why me”.

Patience is granted. So you have to keep on asking from Him for patience, and other attributes you’d like to have. As humans we get angry so easily, too easily. Allah mentions that we are hasty. Impatient. Ungrateful. That’s just who we are, and the first step to change, is to accept, by realizing that we are weak. Weak, impatient, ungrateful, needy souls. We are nothing, nothing without Him. Without His help. Without His guidance. I recall an incidence when the Prophet saw had to face those who betrayed his instructions to stay on top of the hill during the battle of Uhud. How Allah commanded him to be patient. And its being given. Imagine, someone who is so patient, the Prophet, needed to be given, granted, patience from Him. You know at times we thought we needed to be angry just so people would know our limits? Allah is showing how there’s no limit when we include Him in us. How He is capable of making us so, so much more. How we think we’re being tested enough, how our patience is thin, how our stress is eating us up, here He is showing, telling, reminding us He is arRazzaq, the provider. He provides. He is watching, taking care of us. With him, we can be anything we want to be.

To conclude, i feel that this has been the best ramadhan I’ve experienced. To list down my mistakes and ibadah i did seem so wrong, so all i want to say is – choose growth over perfection. Have realistic goals. Aim far – but the next step you should take is the one infront of you. And remember you’re not alone. You don’t want to be alone in Jannah. You would want your family and friends too. So bring them along. Its okay if your own goals have to be compromised if it is best for you. Bring them out of that dark hole. Pull them out and show them the light. Reflect on surah al-Asr. We don’t live alone. We can’t.

May Allah make us and surround us among the pious, those whom He loves, those who will have the high ranks in His eyes, in Jannah. Aamiin.

P/s: I take this opportunity to wish Eid Mubarak as well! Please forgive me if I’d wronged you. May our sins be forgiven and wiped off with the passing and blessings in Ramadan. Taqabbalallahu minna wa minkum. Kullu am wa antum bikhayr. Jaga hati, jaga diri, jaga iman. Semoga istiqamah 🙂

I graduated!

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I remember being confused when I got accepted to NP’s part time dip because I had aimed for something lower.

I remember being confused when I had to choose between umrah with family, twice, or retake a module and risking so many things. Also, when I was in the midst of crucial school activities when I received the message that my grandmothers passed away, in two separate occassions. & other difficult decisions I had to make, resulting in endless battles with my inner (physical & mental) self, arguments with my family, and distance with my friends.

I remember being confused if I should attend this graduation ceremony for I’d only kept bad memories of it and it triggered my anxiety, causing me to cry, whenever I got reminded of it.

I decided to open up to a few trusted friends, I started having deep, long conversations with Allah. I’ve been trying to be kind to myself, taking care of my physical and mental health.

So I had a reflection, few days before my graduation. For almost all the times I mentioned that I was confused, I actually did istikharah. I let God, so how, how could I doubt His plans, what He’d decreed? How ungrateful have I been? *cue surah arrahman fabi ayyi alaaaa*

Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal. Bottomline is, always, always, always, husnuzhon of His plans. Good and bad are subjective opinions. Besides the academics, this diploma has taught me to, first and foremost, forgive myself. Secondly, love Him unconditionally. Thirdly, to never ever take people and things for granted.

May Allah bless all of you the best in this world and the next. May the al-Waliy always, always protect you and only decree the best for you. May ar-Rahman place us among those He loves and surround us with people whom He loves. Lastly, may we always have gratitude, kindness and compassion in our hearts for ourselves and towards people, and see the light in whatever ordeal that befalls upon us. Aamiin.

ENFP

Once, my friend asked me – why do you like to take up quizzes etc to know yourself better?

If you’ve been following my blog for a while,  you know how much of a confused person i am. I’m an ambitious dreamer whom too often leave goals hanging halfway because some other ideas got in the way or simply because i can’t do mundane tasks – i get bored easily. At times, i don’t understand myself but knowing where my personality most likely belongs to, knowing what can i do when things just go wrong, sometimes help. Hence, im just maximising the possibilities of recovering quickly when i face a dead-end. So here goes!!!

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In case youre wondering whats yours tooooo take yours hereeee and share wimmeeee okbai https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Entangled thoughts

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As my hands reach out to sort the pile of wires
All coiled up together, i wouldn’t want to risk a fire
And so i untangle the entangled thoughts
In hopes to calm down the pain that has been disdain
The art of thinking and thinking to no avail

Some might see it as a curse
But I’ve learnt to love it as it is
Though sometimes i feel like my head’s going to burst
With all these unanswered questions leaving me pissed

What are you thinking? – one might ask
I stopped and paused and think if they might care
Of the world but i knew they’d prefer to just bask
In this world of temporary pleasure and rely on respectful authorities, but prefer to know other’s affair

I think of the children trembling in fear,
hiding in hopes that they could just disappear.
I think of the animals dying in vain,
suffering in silence, by reckless humans whom caused the pain.
I think of the people not receiving proper education,
their rights to learn have disrespectfully been taken.
I think of the times we spent mugging to answer test questions,
leaving the room looking forward to celebrations.

But what do we learn and what have we applied?
What do we get from having all the pride?
That we scored well, but couldn’t even face the fight
Of all these happenings in the world, but we still choose to hide

Look, im tired of making my words rhyme
But i think its about time
For me to disclose whats on my mind
Instead of saying im just.. Fine.

Tatkala Remuk

Manusia mana yang tidak dilanda musibah
Bak ombak yang tidak berhenti meruntuhi istana pasir yang telah dibina

Ibarat harapan yang hancur bak dipanah
Begitu jua kehidupan di dunia yang fana

Sementara.
Segala musibah, setiap derita,
Semuanya adalah buat seketika

Janganlah bersedih berpanjangan
Janganlah berfikir berterusan
Ingatlah bahawa setiap ujian
Takkan pernah berlarutan

Sabarlah wahai hamba Allah
Sesungguhnya dia bersama di setiap langkah
Jangan pernah kita menduga
Kebesaran Sang Pencipta.

Help

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Stop creating problems in your head, love.
If it’s there, treat it.
If it’s there, but you can’t seem to see it, find it.
Express yourself at your best.
Drawing, colouring, writing, running, sports,  painting – anything that can release the pain in you.
Release, the pain in you.
Relax, destress, soak up all the good.
Keep it in a jar – not just as moments to remember.
Use them as antidote to keep you going when all else fails. Or just because.

I know too many people who are hurting,  suffering, many in silence. If you are, please know that “these moutains you’re carrying,  you’re only supposed to climb. (cr: Najwa Zebian)”

I pray He’s always guiding & protecting us, showering us with His love & mercy, making & surrounding us with all the kind, beautiful souls, of whom He loves.

I’m here if you need me.