“People talk”

We all have our own set of flaws and beauty.
But sometimes it’s easier for us to point out on the flaw, and disregard the beauty.
Just like how one would point out the physical flaws we have, making us think if our smile, our kind gestures, are also part of it.

I would say it’s just the nature of us, and that it CAN be controlled.
It CAN be regulated by how we perceive things.
It’s up to us, on what and how we deal with it, really.

I’m so done with people who are so contradicting, but I know there’s more to come.
& I admit that sometimes, maybe, I am too.
But what annoys me the most is that when you contradict with what you CHOOSE to believe in. Your beliefs, your philosophies.
Unless you’re changing for the better, and you happen to contradict your past self, that’s a different story.

Sad to say, I’m quite affected, I admit that I’m intensely sensitive but I don’t really show it. But that doesn’t mean that you have the upper hand of letting me down, doing things that clearly do not put you in a better rank.

I’m blessed, to have beautiful people surrounding me. I’m blessed, to be learning new things from my own experiences and from others as well. I’m blessed, to learn things the hard way from negative experiences, and the easy way from other’s advice and wisdom. I’m blessed, and I’m grateful because I know you’re a blessing in a form of test.

And to you, I pray the best for you. I hope others won’t hate you for who you are right now. I hope those who have been affected by your actions would take it positively. & I hope that you are at peace with whoever you are, whatever you choose to believe in, whenever someone finally speaks up.

At the end of the day, people talk.

Choices

How do people keep some important details to themselves, when it is important? As i tried to, i feel like my feelings and thoughts weren’t valid, weren’t of any value and of any effort to be wasted on. If yes, then, why does my heart feel the other way round? Why is my mind reverting back to it if i shouldnt, that it had managed its ways to enter my dreams unwillingly. Why? 

I know the reasons why, im traumatised, im sure. But a tiny fraction of my heart chooses to win hope over fear.

Ibu, maybe what you said was true. Maybe i shouldn’t have given you my ears to hear your heart’s aches and offered my shoulder for your eyes to cry on. Maybe i shouldn’t have acted tough and told you im fine when im as vulnerable as a glass at the edge of a table, for a single soft blow would’ve shattered me into pieces. Maybe i should’ve listened to you, but then again, i would trade your tears even if it bears the cost of my heart. 

Adulthood is no big joke. Then again, Allah wouldn’t put us into something without letting us through it. Im traumatised by the idea of marriage. Of guys, of people, of money, of kind gestures for fear of it having hidden motives, of hypocrisy, of religious aspects, of myself and what i could become. Im scared of the inevitable, but there’s nothing i could do if i don’t move along. At least at times when i dont even know what im doing, He knows, im trying.

And you know what. At times like this, im grateful. Or at least, I choose to be. For this then I know, I understand, and I shall remember, that this life is a delusion. It never meant for happiness for it is a passing journey and most importantly, this is just temporary.

The Journey

Take pride in your achievements – not to be boastful, but to tell yourself you deserve it when the world doesn’t acknowledge it.

Give your all – hope without expectations, as risky as that may sound, it’ll be worth it once you get hold of that fine line.

Love something before you embark on a journey. If you can’t, take it positively. You’ll never know when the path is going to get dim, and when you’ll be left alone.

But when it does, don’t forget this;

Let your positivity drives you on, whenever you feel like giving up.

Let your passion be the torch that lights up the way, whenever you’re engulfed in the darkness.

Let the remembrance of Allah remind you that you’re never alone, for He is closer than your jugular vein.

Let this journey be a journey within, for at least if it seems like a dead end, you’ll never regret the wisdom you picked up along the way.

Take things one step at a time.

Even when you feel like sinking in, carry on.

Bloom

Every flower blooms in their own time
So hang on there, you’ll be fine.

Raise your words, not your voice.
It is rain that grows flowers, not thunders.
So be gentle, keep your poise.
Remember that harshness is never the choice.

A rose can never be a sunflower, and a sunflower can never be a rose.
All flowers are beautiful in their own way, just like you too.
Admire all you want, compliment all the nicest things you have in your thoughts
But keep in mind that you are as amazing and there’s only one “you”

Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers,
Plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul.
Be a better you, don’t underestimate His powers,
He’ll save you a better one, and makes your heart whole

Just like before.
Be grateful, and He’ll provide more.

 

 

Letter to myself

Disclaimer: I’ve always loved getting and giving letters. There’s something personal and special about it. So here’s one for myself;

Dearest self,

I know you’re easily attached to someone. How you would always think of others’ wellbeing before yourself. How you would put aside your feelings just because you think youre not being nice and fair towards others. Thats already thoughtful enough, my dear. Continue being the light, but don’t forget that shining too bright blinds people, causing them to walk away too. Dont forget that light emits heat and too much of that will burn yourself, love. So control. Be nice, but know when to react differently. Embrace other feelings because nice is not necessarily nice.

Aqilah,

I know sometimes the urge to check up on someone gets so real. That just proves how important that person is in your life. Dont think too much, my dear. Always think the best of people, but dont ever forget that sometimes people make mistakes too. And forgive them, like how you want Allah to forgive you. Remember His mercy, and how he loves someone who forgives people, because it just takes too much strength and courage to accomplish that. Remember the value. Remember.

I hope you’ll divert this attention to getting closer to Him. I hope you’ll find Rabiatul Adawiyah as your inspiration, a lifelong journey of seeking God and putting thoughts of the other halves aside. Have faith that when the time is right, it’ll happen. And the better you become, the better you’ll get. Hence, strive for only the best. Dont settle for the second best, unless its meant for you, for Allah knows best, for truly His plans are better than our dreams. I hope you’ll be like Aisyah r.a, who is brave in conveying her thoughts, clarifying what doubted her, disapproving what she didnt believe in and putting her best in what she believed in. I hope you’ll be like Maryam, rely on Allah, for He is sufficient. I hope you’ll be like Khadijah, successful, independent, and being a such a great companion to her other half eventually.

I hope you’ll remember your worth. You’re worth more than gems, else Allah wont choose you. Allah chose you because he knows you CAN. What more do you want when you have His faith? You can be the best so choose to be one. Choose to be all the good things and dont beat yourself up when you couldn’t be. Sometimes, feelings inevitably take control and sometimes, my dear, we need to realize that that’s just human nature. So embrace the feelings, good and bad, be the best out of it, learn how to moderate it, learn to appreciate yourself and self-empowerment, understand that it won’t happen without His help. So seek Him, at all times.

Love yourself

I’ve been focusing more on me. I dont really fancy the idea of being selfish and “think about yourself before others” etc. Oh the self damage that i’ve done to myself.. One of the many factors i didn’t get along with myself i think.

So i’d decided let it all go. I decided to do things for myself. I would compliment myself for praying, for doing things out of my comfort zone, for choosing to speak up instead of settling down for what is a norm for the rest, i’d decided to take my self into consideration before proceeding. I finally did things ive been wanting to do, eat things i would tell myself “you’ll never finish that”(i DID), bought things i’ve been eyeing on.

Of course, I made sure i dont over-pamper myself. My intention is to make myself as a whole, strong individual. Not a pampered being. So i’d also made myself to do good things, say nice remarks, think good, reflect deeply, basically do things im not used to but i know will bring good benefits to myself.
Nothing ever comes easily. The more you work hard, the beautiful the outcome will be. The more you polish a diamond, the brighter it will shine. Love yourself, enough to feel worthy. Enough till you feel that its okay to make mistakes. But not until you would allow yourself to destruct others, to ever have the slightest thinking that you’re better than the rest.

Guard yourself, protect others’ as well. Love yourself enough, love others as much.

On the authority of Abu Hamzah Anas bin Malik (may Allah be pleased with him) – the servant of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) – that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said :

“None of you will believe until you love for your brother what you love for yourself.”

Related by Bukhari & Muslim

Overthinking

I’ve been staying still, looking at the path where i am heading towards. Rechecking if it’s the right one and if its worth the risk to proceed.
Many would blame it on overthinking. Honestly, i dont think that is the problem. The problem lies within ourselves. Go with the flow as you think. Think, but move ahead. Think, and it’s totally fine if it doesn’t turn out how you thought it would be. Think, and think, because that’s how you begin and how you should end. Thinking is not a one part process, it’s throughout and it should never be blamed.

Reflect, look back, do what you have to – relieve the memories, pick up the lessons, miss the people so that you can be grateful. But don’t stay there. Move forward. Close your eyes, it’s meant to stay there. If it brings any good it’ll come again. If not, just be grateful it did. It happened, and you gained something out of it. If not, you’ll soon know.

فاصبر صبرا جميلا

“So be patient, with beautiful patience.” 

Salam, 2017

Im always surrounded by beautiful minds, people of vast knowledge. I take time to listen though i have so much to say. I take time to read though my eyes are crying for sleep. Some things have to be forced, or so i thought.

2016, was a crazy year. I would say, it was a year i finally stood out of my comfort zone. 18 years, i waited for a time i did something without much butterflies in my stomach. Looking back, its amazing how the butterflies very slowly decreased. Maybe what they say is true – confidence takes time.

Time. They say time heals, some say some things simply won’t heal, not even with time. I havent lived much to support this statement.. But, i believe that we just get used to things. Our focus just diverts and our faith is stucked onto something else. We just…we just get used to it. Whether or not it heals, thats not the matter. What matters most is that, we need to realise that some things just happen. We just pick up the lessons.

2016, was also a year i broke down way too many times. But i believe its like a catapult you see, you just have to have faith in Allah. Some days, i pray with an empty heart and empty soul. But that tiny faith God blessed me with still whispered that He gives me Hidayah. Its true, my dad once said, doesn’t mean that the pious person who prays and does good things receives Hidayah. Just like how people used to say im a good muslimah, prays and whatnot. On the prayer mat i was begging for His Hidayah. Perhaps, kind souls words were accepted as prayers and got to me. Whatever it is, oh Turner of hearts, keep our hearts firm in your religion.

I contemplated to delete my social medias. Spiritual reasons, i simply wanted to lower my gaze and distant away from unnecessary things. Personal reasons, i keep on forgetting people don’t display their dirty laundries. I get emotionally disturbed. My self esteem was haywire, it affected my thinking. Simply, it wasn’t healthy for me. But i stayed and recreate after deleting, because i felt selfish. I used to use social media as a platform to spread goodness and get inspired. I recreate, to challenge myself.

One more important thing i picked up in 2016. I hate cutting ties. As much as i can, i shall avoid. But there was a point of time, i think it was just too much it ate me up inside. So i decided to distant myself away from a few people.

Oh, i also went for my first “solo” charity/humanitarian trip, a trip ive been longing to go. Cried buckets for this trip, reasoned out, researched ontravelling without mahram, all that so my dad would allow me. Went to a camp where theres a jenazah course. Did high elements and thought i would rather ride the scariest roller coaster. Survived with a few dollars for weeks.

Ya rabb… Looking back im so thankful to where i am right now. 

2017 will be a year i will want to get closer to Allah swt. Just that. 

Whatever i do, i want it to link with that. My career, my savings, my way of life, the friends i have, the knowledge i take up, the things i do, all…all of it, i want it to be because of Allah. And that i want to get closer with Him. To have more night talks with Allah, to have more dates with Allah, to know more about Allah,.. Ya Allah, let this year be all about you. I realised ive been too selfish. Let me redeem back those times to get back to you. Guide us to the right path ya rabb. Show us the path to You. 💖

Lillahi ta’ala

Often, we make decisions because of our needs and wants..

Our hearts and its desires..

Our mind and its logic..

Often, we forget that He is the All-Knowing..

We plan, but we seldom tawakkal..

We plan, but fear for if it fails..

We plan, but we hold firmly to our desire instead of trusting His plans if it does not turn out our way

We plan, but we forget that His plans are better than our dreams..

//

Let us all remind each other to set our niyyah to lillahi ta’ala. Bismillahi tawakkaltu alallah.. Wa laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billahil aliyyil aziim..

Be kind

Be kind,

not because someone did something nice to you,

not because you have to,

not because someone is older than you,

more experienced than you,

not because someone told you to,

but because you are.